Posted in Uncategorized

I Will Always Persevere

I Will Always Persevere

I refuse to let my illness and my pain

Defeat me and ruin my life.

It might sometimes get the best of me,

But I will always persevere.

Sometimes I may feel

As though I want to give up,

As if I cannot possibly go on,

But I will always persevere.

With God all things are possible,

I know this to be true.

He will always give me the strength and courage

To always persevere.

Though my illness and pain

Might slow me down,

With pain comes strength,

So I will always persevere.

I am stronger than you know,

In ways you couldn’t possibly understand.

I am a warrior and a survivor,

And I will always persevere.

I might have this disease,

But it doesn’t have me.

I will always win this fight,

I will always persevere.

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

Pain Took That Away From Me

I’m not the same happy girl
Who I once used to be;
Pain took that away from me.

Gone are the smiles upon my face,
They have since been replaced
By tears running down my cheeks.

My pain has taken away so much from me;
My hope is fading, I dread my future,
It even erased so much of who I was.

Dark thoughts consume my mind;
I’m desperate, I’m hopeless,
I want this all to end.

Everything is dull, the colors have all faded.
I just wish I knew where to go from here,
How to stop my pain from erasing me completely.

Posted in Chronic pain, Diabetes

Diabetes Appointment

Today I had a doctor appointment with a new Diabetes doctor. Well, nurse practitioner actually, but you get the point. I always find doctor appointments intimidating, but especially with new doctors, and even more so when it is Diabetes related. Having had bad doctors in the past kind of scar you, and make reaching out for help when you need it something that you dread.

Today’s appointment went pretty good. She was really nice and made me feel comfortable talking to her (which isn’t always easy with my social and generalized anxiety disorders). We have a new game plan to try to get my Diabetes under better control, which is always scary when you make changes to your insulin and diet which could lead to low blood sugars. She put me back on Vitamin D since not too long ago I was very vitamin D deficient, and once I have the blood work done, she will change the dosage as needed. She also prescribed Metanx, which is supposedly supposed to help with the Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy pain, although I’ll believe that if/when it happens. 

I got a nifty new glucose monitor today, which I’m excited about. She forgot to write the prescription for the strips though (I already have that brand of monitor so I guess she thought they used the same strips, but they don’t), so I haven’t been able to try it out yet. It’s a One Touch Verio Flex monitor, and it seems like it’s a nice one. It also has Bluetooth, so it can connect with my phone to an app that will log my readings and show graphs, trends, etc., and I can also log my insulin, carbs, etc. So I’m pretty excited to be able to try it all out once I get the strips for it.
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My A1c was 9. I had been running in the mid 8’s for the past couple of years, so it’s up a little bit, but considering that I was running in the 12-14 range not too many years ago, it’s still quite an improvement. Plus I had pneumonia a month or so ago and was on steroids for that, both of which raised my blood sugars to between 300-500 for about two weeks, so that obviously didn’t help. Overall I’m not doing horrible, but I definitely have some work to do.

 

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

Painsomnia

I’m not going to sugar coat this or beat around the bush here. Painsomnia is a bitch!

I have been fortunate enough to rarely experience the dreaded painsomnia that so often goes along with pain. That is up until the last week or two. Up until I started having really bad big toe/foot pain that has yet to be diagnosed. I just can’t get comfortable. I lay on my right side and my foot is touching either my other foot or the bed. I lay on my left side, and it’s touching either the sheet or my other foot. I lay on my back and the weight of the sheet and bedspread feel like a 50 lb. boulder on my toe/foot. Whatever I do I just can’t get comfortable.

Luckily I don’t usually have too much of an issue falling asleep, its when I wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning before it’s time to get up that I can’t fall back asleep. I just lay there tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. And it’s horrible, because not only am I not getting nearly enough sleep, but all that time laying there gives me way too much time to think. And too much time to think is usually a bad thing when struggling with insomnia, anxiety and/or depression, and chronic pain. Because all that time to think usually just leads to being in a really dark place inside my own head. It’s never any good thoughts.

Do any of you suffer from painsomnia? If so, do you have any suggestions for me, about how you deal with it?

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

My Body is a Prison

I’ve been having some really rough days lately with my Neuropathy pain. Between working 40 hours a week (I work at a grocery store and I’m on my feet the entire 8 hour shift) and then trying to have some sort of a life when I’m not at work, I just don’t have enough time to relax and be off my feet to rest my legs. I’m stubborn and I hate having to stop and take care of my body’s needs, even though I know that I need to.

I’ve been getting better lately at learning my limits and trying to make myself enforce those limits to myself. My husband and my family all understand and try to get it through my head to not run myself into the ground with pain and exhaustion, that I need to take care of myself, that they’ll help me with whatever I need, that I’m not a burden when I need help, but I hate it.

I hate being limited. I hate my body for being so week and messed up. I hate the pain that has changed me into a different person. I hate feeling trapped in my own body. No escape from the pain, the exhaustion, the hopelessness and desperation I feel every single day of my life, which is even worse on my especially high pain days. My body is a prison and I have a life sentence. No “get out of jail free” card, no chance of early release with good behavior, no shot of a prison break, NOTHING. 

Can you imagine feeling like this? Like you are trapped in the worst prison of them all, but that prison, that HELL, is your own body? Those of us that deal with chronic pain, chronic illness, mental health issues, this is our reality. To wake up each day and know that you will be fighting a losing battle with your own body. Sure, there might be some good (or at least better) days mixed in there, but in prison, how good can the good days really be? You still don’t have your freedom, you’re still restricted with what you can do.

Sorry for this gloom and doom post, but I’ve just really been struggling lately and needed to get some stuff off of my mind. Today has been a really hard day for me because I had such a bad day yesterday, so I was still feeling down about that. Then today my husband and I had plans to go to this local used book store called One Dollar Book Swap, (every book is a dollar, and today each person got a free book as well) but I had to cancel because I knew I needed to take a day for my health and not do anything, barely leave the couch, so hopefully my legs can get rested up a little and not hurt quite so bad. I’m angry, pissed off, frustrated, and sad. Because my body sucks and my pain is flaring, once again I can’t do what I want to do. I can’t do something fun, and in the process take my mind off of my pain, because I’m in so much pain. I’m trapped in my body, my own version of prison, and it is complete hell.

Posted in Uncategorized

About Me

I would like to take a little time to introduce myself to my followers and anyone else who happens to come across my little blog. I feel like since I’m sharing such a personal side of me, I might as well share some of the other things that make me who I am.

My name is Lindsay. I am 30 years old, and I am from Ohio.

My health problems (since this is the main focus of my blog) include: Type 1 Diabetes (24 year survivor), Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy (calf pain that feels like the worst leg cramp that you could ever imagine, 24/7/365, which I have been dealing with for about 5 years now), anxiety (general and social), depression, and PTSD, as well as undiagnosed hand pain.

I’m a Christian. My faith is pretty much the most important part of my life. 

I have been married to my best friend and soul mate for just under 7 years now (our anniversary is May 11, 2009). We have been together for 11 years. My husband’s name is Mike. He is my rock.

I have two cats and a dog. 
      
           Hemi                                         Tuxedo                                Precious

Family is so important to me. While I obviously love all of my family, I am definitely a mommas girl! And I absolutely love being an aunt! I have a three year old niece, and my sister is pregnant now, and I can’t wait to meet my nephew!

Me, my mom, my sister, my dad (at my sister’s baby shower that me and my mom did)

I am a huge bookworm! Reading is one of my favorite things to do. James Patterson is my favorite author.

I love dolphins. My dream is to be able to swim with the dolphins. I was able to see some at the Indianapolis Zoo exhibit, which was amazing! I collect little dolphin things.

My favorite color ipink!

I love music, and listen to a little bit of everything. Some of my favorites include Aerosmith, P!nk, Eminem, Luke Bryan, and Adele.

I enjoy writing poetry, although I don’t write as much as I used to or as much as I would like to. Writing, to me, has always been very therapeutic.

I have three tattoos and want more. I have several tattoo ideas in mind, but the one that I’m considering the most, at the moment, is a Diabetic medic alert type thing on my wrist.
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My three tattoos. “With pain comes strength” is my latest one. It is my motto, and helps remind me on particularly rough days to keep on fighting. The double hearts tattoo was my second one, and it is a symbol of the love between my husband and I (he got me a ring with the two interlocking hearts, and it was also the theme of our wedding). The dolphin tattoo was my first tattoo. I like it but it is my least favorite one because it doesn’t have as much meaning as the other two.

I think that’s about it. This is who I am. If you have any questions, feel free to ask! And if you want to, leave a little introduction of yourself in the comments! Thanks for reading!

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

With Pain (Sometimes) Comes Strength

My motto for my battle with chronic pain (as well as all my other health issues and just struggles in general), is “With pain comes strength”. I even have it tattooed on my forearm. Most of the time I live by this motto, as hard as it is, because I’m a fighter, a survivor, and I refuse to become a victim of my situation. Some days, though, the pain is just too much and I have to succumb to the overwhelming sadness, fear, desperation, and self pity that I feel. Today has been one of those days.

This whole week has been a rough one for me because I’ve really been over doing it the past couple of weeks, and now it’s all catching up with me. Even though I am slowly learning my limits, as well as that it’s okay to actually stand up for myself and enforce those limits, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. Well, now I’m paying dearly for it.

Today my pain got the best of me. Today, my pain hasn’t given me any strength. The pain in my legs today is so bad that I’m struggling to walk. I’m scared, I’m pissed off, I’m devastated, bawling my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself, and desperate for relief. I don’t know how much more pain I can take, even on my good days, but especially on unbearable days like today. Today, I don’t want to be a fighter; I want to give up.

So although I whole heartedly believe in my motto of “with pain comes strength”, today I’m calling bull shit. Today my pain is just pain, and it is suffocating me.

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

My Pain Face

Most of the time, I hide my pain behind a million forced smiles.
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Sometimes though, the pain is just too much to bear, and I’m forced to wear my pain face. Today is one of those days. This is me today…
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For those of you who don’t know, I have Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy, thanks to living 24 years with Type 1 Diabetes. The best way to describe the pain is to imagine the worst leg cramp you have ever had…that is somewhat comparable to the pain that I deal with on a GOOD day. On the bad days, like today, that pain is magnified to unbearable heights, and becomes all consuming. I can’t help but cry while the pain gets the best of me, and it is all that I can think about.

So for now, today, I will wear my pain face. I will feel a little sorry for myself, because sometimes that’s just how it goes. I will take this day to get it out of my system. And then tomorrow, I will go back to the mask of a thousand lies, the mask that only a few select people care enough to see through, the mask of total strength and happiness.
              

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

Chronic Pain, Loneliness, and the Spoonie Community

The thing with chronic pain is that it is both too lonely, and not lonely enough, if that makes any sense.

Living with chronic pain can be, at times, one of the loneliest feelings in the world. You feel like no one understands what you’re going through. You feel like (at least around certain people; co-workers, for example) you can’t fully be open and honest about your pain because you don’t want to burden people with how much you’re really struggling with the pain and everything that goes along with it. And other times, you just plain don’t have the energy and/or are hurting too bad to do anything other than stay in bed or on the couch and just take care of yourself, so you feel isolated. Then there is what I believe to be the worst part of loneliness: missing the person you used to be before chronic pain consumed your life. I miss the old me. The person who didn’t have to force a smile through the tears and the pain, who didn’t have to stop and debate whether or not I have enough energy to do something, the one who didn’t need help to do even the simplest, smallest things for herself. THAT is the loneliness that hurts the most.

On the complete opposite end of the loneliness, is that when you actually do find someone who understands what you are going through, and then you wish that they DIDN’T actually understand, because you wouldn’t wish chronic pain on ANYONE, not even the devil himself. This is when chronic pain isn’t lonely enough, if that makes sense. Thanks to social media, especially through Instagram, I have found such a wonderfully supportive support system of fellow spoonies, chronic pain warriors, invisible illness survivors, whatever you want to call us/yourself. The past few months since I have found the spoonie community on social media, I have found so much love, support, and understanding, and it has meant so much to me, helped me to feel not so alone. It has been such a wonderful feeling and experience, but at the same time, it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other people out there suffering just as much as I am, if not worse.

The whole reason why this blog came about in my mind is because my dad is also a chronic pain warrior. As a construction worker for 27 years, he put a hell of a lot of wear and tear on his body, and he is paying dearly for it. In the past 10-15 years, he has had at least 6, if not closer to 10 (sorry, the brain fog is bad right now) surgeries on his neck, back, and hips (spinal fusions, hip replacements, etc.), and has Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Sciatica Nerve Pain, and Arthritis. Today he had a follow up appointment with his back surgeon to go over the results of his latest MRI, and he was basically told that there isn’t much else that he would personally be willing/able to do for him, because he has so many problems, not to mention that his last surgery nearly killed him because of complications, so it is getting to be more of a risk to do anything than it is to just suffer with it. So it just made me sad when he told me what he found out, because I know how horrible it is to know that there isn’t anything that can be done to fix what is wrong with you. It is such a horribly low feeling to basically lose all hope of ever being better. Thankfully my dad and I are both stubborn fighters who refuse to give up, and also have faith on our side, as well as each other for support and understanding, but it breaks my heart to know that my dad is fighting the same type of battle with chronic pain that I am, just with different issues. In this aspect, chronic pain isn’t nearly lonely enough!

SCREW YOU, CHRONIC PAIN!!!!!

Posted in Chronic pain, Uncategorized

A No Win Situation

As someone with chronic, widespread, sometimes severe pain, I have found yet another frustrating aspect of how it affects my life.

When people don’t offer to help me in painful or tiring situations when there is a way for them to actually help, sometimes that upsets me.

When people are overly helpful, then sometimes I start to feel like I am an incapable burden.

Chronic pain is (obviously) a no win situation, and this newest frustration is no different. And how can I expect other people to know what to do, when sometimes I don’t even know what I want them to do?

Take my husband, for instance. Because he is the person who I spend the most time with, he can sometimes read the situation and me to where he knows what I need. Sometimes he can tell that I need or want to try to do something for or by myself, and he’ll stay out of my way and let me do whatever it is that I’m doing. And then other times he knows that I’m having an especially high pain day, and he does everything that he can to make sure that I don’t have to do anything extra, or even much of anything at all. But sometimes he isn’t quick enough to jump in when I need him because he knows that typically I want to try and stay somewhat independent, and then I’m sometimes too stubborn to admit that I need help, and then I end up getting upset because he “should’ve known” that I needed help. But it really is a no win situation, because how can I expect him to know the “right” answer, when half the time I don’t even know?

Then take today for instance. My mom and I were out shopping for finishing touches for my sister’s baby shower. Being as I’m her daughter and she doesn’t like seeing me in pain and would do any and every thing in the world for me, she tends to “over” take care of me when we’re together, which sometimes leads to me feeling like a burden or like I’m incapable of doing stuff for myself.

So it really is a no win situation. Just another unfair aspect of living with chronic pain.